Disappointment in the wait.

“I found that each time a test was negative, it stopped the dreaming and hoping for a while. Taking the test was a way of puncturing the balloons of hope, because if I didn’t, they would lift and lift without any evidence, and their falling back down every month was too painful. Essentially, I took all these tests to keep myself from hoping, because the hoping was breaking my heart.”
-Shauna Niequist, Bread & Wine

We began our journey of adding to our family in September of 2014. We had been married for 2 year at the time and thought it would be a great time to have a baby. If we would have known what our future held I’m sure we would have been like a few others and started trying the night of the wedding.

No, not really…but maybe.

I have PCOS. I have known that since I was eighteen. I knew we were going to face some challenges but I never thought our journey would start like it has. We have been seeing a specialist in Dallas, Tx. I highly recommend Dr. Noorhasan. She’s really nice and informative, and most importantly she is pro-patient. I’m sure the other doctors at the facility are the same but we really like her.

Anyways, we started seeing her in January…and while I know it is only July it feels like it has been a lot longer. We have been through test after test, MRI, surgery, sono, another sono, injections, sono, injections, blood work, sono, injections, blood work, sono, more injections….and a failed IUI.

While it seems like a lot going on, I am happy for that. Because, you see, before January I was seeing a local doctor who was not on my side. Let me explain this…We tried for six months before seeing a doctor. I was hoping that we’d be lucky enough to not need help…and secretly I was hoping that I really didn’t have PCOS. So when I went to the local doctor it wasn’t at all what I expected. It was wait after wait with her….because I’m young and have plenty of time. I can only imagine if I would have stuck it out with her where we’d be at now. I’m positive that it would have been at least another year before finding that I had endometriosis polyps on my uterus.

Our IUI failed but at least we tried.

So why am I telling you all of this personal information about my life? Well, because why not. Maybe if people know what you’re going through then it can help explain why you haven’t been happy, or why you flipped out on them the other day, or why you haven’t been liking their cute new baby’s pictures on facebook, or why you cry when you’re typing “congratulations on being pregnant” to them. Or why you duck out of conversations as soon as people start talking about pregnancy or their cute little babies.

Trust me when I say that recognizing that someone is going through infertility is not easily done if you’re not going through it yourself. I know this. Those insensitive comments can flow out of our mouths without really knowing that we are hurting someone. But imagine if everyone knew that you were dealing with infertility. It might be worth it to be vulnerable if it helps shield your heart.

Infertility steals your joy for others. I have tried to not let that happen to me but it does, every single day. Every time I see a pregnancy announcement on facebook I get crazy jealous to the point of where I want to unfriend that person or deactivate my page. It literally makes me sick to my stomach- every single time. You know, because not one person that isn’t going through infertility themselves deserves to be pregnant more than I do. (that was sarcastic in case there’s any confusion)

I’m serious y’all. This is my life now. Just the other day I wanted to call my husband crying because someone else was pregnant. I resorted to texting him because I felt that it made me seem like less of a bitch to be upset over it.

We are fastly approaching two years and we are still no where.

I know our story isn’t the worst one out there but it’s our worst story.

In a perfect world no one would have to experience infertility. There is nothing in my life to this day that has hurt me more than wanting a baby and it just not happening while all around me it happens for others so quickly.

There is just so much disappointment in the wait.