Disappointment in the wait.

“I found that each time a test was negative, it stopped the dreaming and hoping for a while. Taking the test was a way of puncturing the balloons of hope, because if I didn’t, they would lift and lift without any evidence, and their falling back down every month was too painful. Essentially, I took all these tests to keep myself from hoping, because the hoping was breaking my heart.”
-Shauna Niequist, Bread & Wine

We began our journey of adding to our family in September of 2014. We had been married for 2 year at the time and thought it would be a great time to have a baby. If we would have known what our future held I’m sure we would have been like a few others and started trying the night of the wedding.

No, not really…but maybe.

I have PCOS. I have known that since I was eighteen. I knew we were going to face some challenges but I never thought our journey would start like it has. We have been seeing a specialist in Dallas, Tx. I highly recommend Dr. Noorhasan. She’s really nice and informative, and most importantly she is pro-patient. I’m sure the other doctors at the facility are the same but we really like her.

Anyways, we started seeing her in January…and while I know it is only July it feels like it has been a lot longer. We have been through test after test, MRI, surgery, sono, another sono, injections, sono, injections, blood work, sono, injections, blood work, sono, more injections….and a failed IUI.

While it seems like a lot going on, I am happy for that. Because, you see, before January I was seeing a local doctor who was not on my side. Let me explain this…We tried for six months before seeing a doctor. I was hoping that we’d be lucky enough to not need help…and secretly I was hoping that I really didn’t have PCOS. So when I went to the local doctor it wasn’t at all what I expected. It was wait after wait with her….because I’m young and have plenty of time. I can only imagine if I would have stuck it out with her where we’d be at now. I’m positive that it would have been at least another year before finding that I had endometriosis polyps on my uterus.

Our IUI failed but at least we tried.

So why am I telling you all of this personal information about my life? Well, because why not. Maybe if people know what you’re going through then it can help explain why you haven’t been happy, or why you flipped out on them the other day, or why you haven’t been liking their cute new baby’s pictures on facebook, or why you cry when you’re typing “congratulations on being pregnant” to them. Or why you duck out of conversations as soon as people start talking about pregnancy or their cute little babies.

Trust me when I say that recognizing that someone is going through infertility is not easily done if you’re not going through it yourself. I know this. Those insensitive comments can flow out of our mouths without really knowing that we are hurting someone. But imagine if everyone knew that you were dealing with infertility. It might be worth it to be vulnerable if it helps shield your heart.

Infertility steals your joy for others. I have tried to not let that happen to me but it does, every single day. Every time I see a pregnancy announcement on facebook I get crazy jealous to the point of where I want to unfriend that person or deactivate my page. It literally makes me sick to my stomach- every single time. You know, because not one person that isn’t going through infertility themselves deserves to be pregnant more than I do. (that was sarcastic in case there’s any confusion)

I’m serious y’all. This is my life now. Just the other day I wanted to call my husband crying because someone else was pregnant. I resorted to texting him because I felt that it made me seem like less of a bitch to be upset over it.

We are fastly approaching two years and we are still no where.

I know our story isn’t the worst one out there but it’s our worst story.

In a perfect world no one would have to experience infertility. There is nothing in my life to this day that has hurt me more than wanting a baby and it just not happening while all around me it happens for others so quickly.

There is just so much disappointment in the wait.

It’s just a date.

A date on the calendar is of no importance unless something important happens to us on that date. An event, decision, memory….tragedy. By having something happen to us the date begins to have meaning.

That date, well it’s not always beautiful or happy. It’s not always full of roses and sunshine! It’s not always something we WANT to remember. Sometimes, we just wish that date on the calendar would disappear.

In my world, February 28th is just a date. A very unhappy, sad, hate filled date.

6 years ago (wow, can’t believe that even as I type) my family and I lost someone who is VERY special. Loretta Jean Gaby. My Mema and my biggest prayer warrior.

To say that losing her was unexpected would be an understatement. It was something that was never on my mind. I know that people die but I never thought at 18 that I would have to experience her dying. I never thought on that date or even that year that I would watch my Mema’s heart stop. That I would have to drive home from the hospital knowing that things would never, ever be the same. And I was right, they haven’t been. That day changed everything about my life and in some ways I find that it is still changing me.  But things happen and I don’t think we are ever meant to understand why.

She was the BEST grandmother. I’m not being biased, it’s a fact. She was the best. She taught me how to make my first pie. She cooked for her family almost every single Sunday. She was at every event that I can remember having. She told me when I was being mean to my Momma. She took us to church when we stayed the night. She spoiled us. She taught us the meaning of family. She loved us.

I miss her so much. So, sooooo much. Every day. After six year it’s not easier and I still get angry about the entire situation and the fact that SHE is not here.

That’s why February 28th is just a date. Sure, it’s the date that I lost someone I love a lot but that feeling doesn’t just stick around for one date. So, it’s just a date.

 

March 6th. Well, that is not just any date. It’s a date I want to remember forever and a date that holds the birthday of my so-very-missed Mema. I’m beyond thankful for that date on the calendar. God allowed my Mema to be born. I am very blessed. I have truly come from the most beautiful, caring and loving line of women. To be like my Mema and my mom would be the biggest accomplishment of my life. It’s hard, I mean let’s be real. My mema was nice to everyone. Even if she really didn’t care much for them, that person would have never known it. My mom is the same way. I pray that one day I will be like that.

I miss my Mema. But I know she’s in Heaven living the best life and I will see her again!

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Mema!

Love,
         

(My Mema’s favorite song)

 

My Love.

Let’s get real– I am not the best person out there. I say things too quick. I say things too easy. I let small things bother me. I can’t stand the people who let others use them. I fight for the little guy. I fight for what I think is right. I get myself in trouble a lot. I say what I think. I have no filter (most days).

BUT

I’m trying to change ALL of that!

Proverbs 21:23 “Watch your tongue; you’ll save yourself a lot of grief.”

I became aware of this it the past couple of days when I speak to my husband. Really- it hit me last night. I’m so quick to “speak” truth, when often it’s at his expense. I said something truthful but very hurtful. If the tables had been turned, and he had said that to me, I would have been crushed. Of course, he blew it off…but still. It could have gone without being said. We have been married for three years, and I know that everyone struggles, but I feel like we struggle a lot. We are two completely different people. In most ways we compliment each other by our opposite tendencies…but there are some really big “differences” that are so hard for me.

He is co-dependent. I am 100% independent. He doesn’t like time by himself. I CRAVE time by myself.

This. Is. So. Hard!

We have done a couple of “studies” together…such as “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman and “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs. Both of which are SO great! The Five Love Languages…brilliant! Love and Respect…also brilliant! But they are so hard to follow. I know what he needs and he knows what I need…why can’t we just do it? Funny, I know.

We both know what we need. We both struggle with it. But I couldn’t think of anyone else I would rather have my struggles with!

Let me tell you a bit about my husband…and what he does that is so GOOD to me!
1. Cleans. I have never cleaned the house by myself.
2. Cleans BATHROOMS! I have never in our time being together, ever, ever, ever cleaned a bathroom! Never.
3. Loves my cooking–and tells me about it. He tells me it’s the best cooking he’s ever had and that mine is his favorite. Sure, he might be buttering me up so I continue to cook for him–but I’ll take it! (Other than his Mommas spaghetti–no one, not even himself, will perfect her spaghetti.)
4. He tells me no! He doesn’t let me buy everything in the world. If he did, we’d for sure be broke! But sometimes, I’ll ask him if I can buy something–just to hear him say no! It’s funny to me but probably super stressful to him!
5. He grew his beard out for me! Silly—yes…but you have no idea! He is sexy regardless, but he is dead sexy with a beard! Seriously! He’s not fond of it…which makes it even more special to me that he keeps it!

There are so many things I could go on and on. But those are the top five things that he does JUST for me that I absolutely LOVE!

So, even though we struggle most days as we are still trying to mold our differences together… I wouldn’t change a thing. Our love wins! I look forwards to our lifetime together!

-Gaby